a rolling stone gathers no moss....

....as the vagina of a motivated girl gathers no dust.
This morning started with a goal met. I've had a lovely couple of days off. On Monday I watched a bunch of the L word. Being a showtime program, the L Word contains a bunch of graphic nudity and steamy sex. As I was starting to really get into, my fiance came home from work. Drat, I thought. Tomorrow will be masturbation Tuesday. But come Tuesday morning, my fiance claimed defeat to his achy back and stayed home. So today, Wednesday, I left nothing to chance. As soon as I was fully awake, the vibrator was out. Then I ate a tangerine. A good morning. I finally finished "For Yourself" just half an hour ago. Did not care for that book. I did, however, learn that Paps are specifically to check for uterine cancer. I felt a little dumb for not knowing that already, but maybe it's like brushing your teeth. You know it's good for you and you're supposed to do it, but its hard to remember the whole laundry list of benefits it accomplishes. "Why should I brush my teeth? ... It's good for me." is usually sufficient motivation.
Later today, I'm going to finish a knitting project that I've literally been working on  for years.
A sense of a achievement can be almost addictive, especially during winter break, when there's no sense of achievement to be had from school.
There is a verb form of fellatio- to fellate. But can you do that with the female form?Is it possible to cunnilingate someone? I'm curious.
Anyway, the other night I asked my fiance to cunnilingate me, and he finally did. Yay hot foot sensations!
But, as I'm sure I've mentioned before, cunnilingus is a hard thing to come by in my bed. Despite bringing home dental dams and trying to seek out more comfortable positions, my requests for it (and I always have to specifically request it) are met with unhappy noises and hesitation, even when my fiance is already signed on for intercourse.
Here's the problem: how does one tread the line between advocating for one's needs (in this case, cunnilingus is the one thing that makes me feel consistently close to orgasm) and being inconsiderate and demanding (this latest encounter was the first instance of cunnilingus this month, and not for lack of trying on my part).

i did something for my sexual health today. yipee!

That video showed up last week. FINALLY. Watched it today-- meh, somewhat interesting and helpful. I also re-committed myself to finishing "For Yourself".
I will really be glad I did this stuff today, since I now have to go and spend 16 of the next 24 hours at work. :)

two weeks til christmas

Broke my dry spell on Thursday with some meh sex. I don't know, just nothing felt right. But I am starting to feel the return of motivation, so that's good.
My friend gets here tomorrow, and I'm super excited to see her, although a house guest and finals will be... interesting... to juggle.
So, we're in the midst of the holidays, yay. I hope that whatever holiday you celebrate is full of joy and love. Sexy, sexy love. 

Oh yeah, I still have this blog....

I feel like nothing has changed. Blech.
I feel like I'm not having any sex, and I'd don't even really have the motivation to use my vibrator on myself. That is some serious laziness.
I am supposed to get my aforementioned video in the mail this week, after almost an entire month. Apparently the woman's cat vomited on her computer. I guess you get what you pay for....
I started reading For Yourself. I need to get back to it, but it is really dated and I hate it. Sometimes, (probably often) one person in a couple is less interested in sex than the other. In movies or TV, this person is always the woman in a hetero couple, and the situation is portrayed as funny. Even on a good day, I'm pretty sensitive about the fact in my relationship, this dynamic is reversed. And it is not funny. It is fucking hard. And this book is constantly saying "oh honey i know sex isn't enjoyable for you at all, but try this! and then you'll like it!" So I feel like my ...abnormality .... is always being thrown in my face. However, it was assigned as long term homework and I feel obligated to finish it.
I am taking Human Sexuality from my sexologist next semester, and I'm pretty excited about it. Last Tuesday I went to a class to see what it was like, and also because my sexologist said I should. It was the class on sex positions, and it was cool to see what I have to look forward to.

My sexologist sent me an evaluation in the mail, and I sent that off on Saturday. It made me realize how my progress had really taken a nosedive, and I've been kind of depressed about that. Its hard to say the cause. school has been really demanding, everything has been really. Maybe it has something to do with my fiance but I can't put my finger on it. While I was seeing my sexologist it seemed like he had the desire and the motivation for sex twice a week. Why has it gone back to one? The weather? No more homework? I feel like I want sex more than its happening and that my attempts to have sex are being turned down more. It's starting to feel like it used to, and I hate that.
Sent out save the dates on Thursday. They're magnets, and it's exciting to think of them gracing fridges, quite literally, all over the world.
Also, mother and future mother in law are bugging the shit out of me. "Send me pictures, let's share recipes, how's the wedding planning coming?" Well meaning, but I'm up to my neck in other shit. Leave me alone.
I'll be hosting visitors come finals week. That is the silver lining for sure.

Eventually that preview video worked, and I decided to buy the first part of it. Then that did not work. I emailed the sexologist who made them, and now she is mailing me a copy of the full DVD (saving me $15!)
I have been really lucky- it seems like God or someone is looking out for me in my poverty. When I was seeing my sexologist I got one session for free and one for 1/2 off. I find coupons for free eggs, butter and flour.
Life is okay.
"For Yourself" should get here tomorrow. Hopefully I can stay on track, since I have a 6 page film paper due Wednesday that I have yet to even decide on a topic for....

The Waiting Game

I am waiting:
For my sexologist to email me about that squirting video
For a different sexologist to email about her videos, which do not work
For my fiance to come home from game night
For some inspiration/modivation regarding the two papers and one exam that are due/happening this coming week.
For my phone to die (not so much waiting for it to as, it's about to and i need to get off my ass and find the charger)

F this noise, I'm going to masturbate while I have the house to myself.

My progress has been notably slowing down since my sessions ended. We're having less sex too- back to once a week from the twice since I started going to see my sexologist. I'm trying to at least do something, even if its not sex: I bought "For Yourself" yesterday, and I just tried to watch the Dr. Rodger's sample video but it came up with a "try back later" error. If it doesn't work when I get home I'll call her I guess.
Very blah, I have my 4Xs a year period. On Thursday I had the terrible idea of watching Up (We realized we can stream Netflix to my fiance's PS3, which is the end of productivity as we know it) and I cried for basically half the movie.

Blaaaah

Boo no feedback boo.
Not a lot to report. Had a bit of a dry spell- a week and a half, but it ended last night. It was very nice to end it.
Had watering eyes and a hot foot and what is now known as Miss America hands (when there's so much pressure and i can't do anything about it and it feels good, but really intense and i just flap my hands uncontrolably because i can't handle it!)
Masturbating has been a little blah. Mostly because this past week was really stressful. Paper due monday, 14 hour election shift tuesday, exam wednesday, paper due thursday, paper due friday. But now it's all behind me, and I just have one project due this week (plus the usual reading to keep up on and draft to keep working on for next week).
But seriously. I have finals-caliber acne from all the stress this last week. Not cool.
So here is the long term homework I need to work on:
Masturbate standing (how will this be different? we shall see)
For Yourself by Lonnie Barbach (I will probably order this on friday, when I get paid again)
Blog (heyyy, doing that right now)
Find a system for variations of change
Keep Track (of those variations)
Maintain the Lauren
... what does this mean? (Oh man, I have totally forgotten)
Surging Video Wet Spot c. 2006 (I looked for this online, and found jackshit. I emailed my sexologist and she is trying to find it for me)
Pamela Dare Rogers video (There are four, I'm waiting for my sexologist to email me back with which one(s) are most helpful for me, because i don't want to spend $20 buying them all)
Have fun

Here's hoping you can see my hand sticking out of this mountain of school-related obligation

For endless LOLs:
http://feministing.com/2010/11/02/a-pocket-guide-to-vaginal-euphemisms/?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter

Also, I'd like to check in... what do ya'll think? Do my exploits make you cringe, grin, blush? Give you pause for thought? Make you look down at your own business and say "whaaaat?"
I would dig some feedback.

Keep at it. And don't cry.

Yesterday was my last session. I felt super emotional. Happy at how far I have progressed, anxious about proceeding without guidance, sad at no longer having sessions to look forward to. I started to almost cry about 4 times. I'm still supposed to email her questions, comments concerns. I'll still be paying off my sessions, basically through the end of the year. I'll see her at the end of January when spring session starts and I become her student. And she's going to call me a couple times over the next year to check in.
Still, I feel like I'm going to have to try really hard to keep at it without weekly homework assignments. Blogging will become a big part of staying accountable.
And now, I'm off to work the polls for for fourteen hours. Have YOU voted yet?

The Eve

Okay, the rest of the list:

Two Step is a book, technically. But it can't be more than 20 pages of actual text. It’s mostly illustrations, and it's about intimacy and relationships. The author theorizes that in every relationship there is a seeker and a sought, and this ultimately creates tension. To relieve this tension, it can be helpful to foster fluid seeker/sought roles. And that's the book. Food for thought....

Tub! Haven't gotten to do this yet, I'm hoping to have a chance when I come home for lunch tomorrow. My sexologist thinks, because I've reacted well to G spot stimulation from my fiancé, that I am capable of ejaculating. So she told me to masturbate in the tub and have my fiancé touch my G spot. So there's that.

 I have trouble with 'no means no'. I'll admit it. I don't understand 'not in the mood'. On my fiancé’s part, sex always leads to an orgasm. Sometimes it’s not even that much work. So to me, when he says he's not in the mood for sex, it’s on par with me saying 'no I don't want that amazing calorie free brownie that will fill me with endorphins for hours." I say no to sex if a) I'm exhausted or b) in pain.

 So my sexologist told me to have a conversation with my fiancé where I ask him what motivates him to say yes or no to sex, so I can be more empathetic and less rapist-y.

 Tomorrow is my last session... I want to express my gratitude and acknowledge how much change seeing her has brought me. At the same time, I don't want to come off as overzealous and creepy.

It will be so weird to not have sessions to look forward to at the beginning of the week.....

Good vibrations (yes i went there)

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Practice practice practice

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The calm before an awesome storm

I feel this kind of peace. Even though this is an ongoing process, my sessions are ending. And I feel like resolution is coming. I've often wondered, if orgasms happened regularly for me, would sex matter that much? An orgasm is not your world unless it doesn't happen. Like how money doesn't matter if you have all you need.

Winter is coming, a financial burden has been lifted, and I feel secure and loved.
Sappy sappy sappy.....

The beginning of another lovely week

I love talking about my sexuality. Its a really good thing that I have this blog, or all I would do after my sessions end next week is overshare with every friend I have, all the time. At any rate, my sexologist says she wants to keep in contact with me until I become orgasmic. I thought that was pretty cool, and makes me feel that even if this doesn't happen for me by next week, I am not alone! Yay!
So, here is a video my sexologist told me to watch. Its kind of intense. It's a music video, but I listened to it on mute. It's like thirty different people masturbating, but you only see them from the neck up. It's pretty interesting.
http://www.clevver.com/music/video/29085/the-sun-romantic-death.html
And this one's kinda freaky, but if you're into science.... It shows the changes a cervix goes through- over the course of a month, or a lifetime. 
http://www.beautifulcervix.com/cervix-photo-galleries/photos-of-cervix/#comment-612
More later, adoring public, more later.

hot off the presses

Last night included more miraculous foreplay, along with the discovery that when I do come, it's going to be pretty loud. I'm thinking about soundproofing.

the crush of midterms

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The changing face

Rushed to my session Monday after the slowest Pap in recorded history.
To my joy, my sexologist has agreed to give me a do over- so now I have two sessions left. She did say that though I thought it was disasterous she learned what she needed to about our relationship.
I know that when it's time to end it, she will have given me the tools I need. At the same time, I'm really going to miss it. I really like discussing my sexuality, and I like having a place where I can do that without any fear of judgment. I'm a little worried I won't keep making good progress without regular homework assignments I'm accountable for. Also, my sexologist is really interesting, and I like being around her. Annnnd now I think I'm starting to sound like one of those people who become infatuated with their psychologists.
She also teaches a course in human sexuality at the University, and I asked if it would be okay for me to take it (as part of my "why-the-f-not-just-need-to-get-to-120-credits last semester"). She said its fine, but I still have to assess if its a good idea. She said I would learn a lot though.

Freedom

My future in-laws live almost 1,500 miles away. When my fiance and I move back to my home town, they will be over 2,000 miles away. All I can say about that is that I live a very blessed life.

Perhaps you wonder what its like to have my future in-laws in town. Let me tell you

We went to dinner at a higher end pizza place tonight. They peruse the menu as we wait for a table. It went like this:
"What's mascarpone?"
"What's prosciutto?"
"What do you mean, pizza without meat?"
"Is that cheese feta? No, that's the bruscetta."

Blog it Out

As I get older, I feel like birthdays diminish in awesomeness. I remember how epic birthdays were in the past- a haze of good friends and deliriously happy times. Now the memory of those times creates pressure and birthdays are stressful. The highlight of my birthday this year was counting my facebook well-wishers.

Bringing my fiancé to my session was kind of a bust. He cooperated until about fifteen minutes in, when my sexologist wanted him to compare what his arousal cycle looks like to what he might like it to look like. He basically said he was fine with how it was and that the real problem was the difference in how much sex we want. At the time, to me, he sounded aggressive and resistant. I felt like he was rebelling against the whole idea of being there. Even though I tried really hard to hold it back, I slowly started to cry.

Even though I am terrible at concealing my emotions in general, crying in front of people is the biggest source of embarrassment for me. And I cry easier than most people. But crying in front of anybody makes me feel out of control.

When I first started taking hormonal birth control it got really out of hand. I would have uncontrollable crying jags every couple weeks that would last about an hour, with very little provocation, usually when my fiancé didn't want sex. I would talk and I would want him to talk about it. My crying made him unhappy and he maintained that it wasn't that he didn't love me or didn't find me attractive, simply that sex was more important to me than to him. This is still what he says. But in the last month or so we have been having sex twice a week, compared to once a week in the past. And I have been really happy with that, and haven't heard any complaints from my fiancé (btw I now combat hormonal insanity by using the nuvaring continually to keep myself from having hormone withdrawals).

That's why I was so shocked when he said he thought it was the big problem in our sex life. For the rest of the session I was focused on trying to stop crying and to rein my emotions in. My sexologist gave us some ideas for checking in with each other about the frequency of sex and other 'business stuff' on a regular basis. She also had us role play, each taking on the role of the other to try to develop empathy.

I mentioned in a previous post that in session I sometimes leave out things I think are immaterial. I would have left out this whole-not-so-cute-and-pretty part of our relationship. But there it was, staring us in the face. Right before my birthday date.

My sexologist left us alone for a few minutes to talk about it before we left. He felt bad for making me cry and genuinely felt he had been trying to help by giving his opinion. That's why he thought he was there, to give his input about the situation. As we left, I asked my sexologist 'homework?' She smiled and said 'have fun on your date.' We reconnected, went to dinner and laughed a lot, and things were okay by 8:30. Though we didn't make it to the movie- the two drinks I had at dinner made me too sleepy to sit through it, and I didn't want to spend the money if I thought I would fall asleep.

When I got home, as this blog suggests, I had many more thoughts about the session. I felt robbed. Although we ultimately learned things about one another or whatever, we were there for a specific purpose, which didn't get fulfilled, and I spent $105, and 45 minutes of discomfort, over a misunderstanding. If I had been able to pull myself together and say "no, that's not why we're here, and what we do when we're having sex matters a lot more than how much we have it" my night would have gone so much better.

I feel like I never realize how important it is to advocate for myself until it is too late, and the opportunity has passed me by.

And FYI, after we came home and looked at the sex calendar I keep, it was determined that we are having enough sex to keep me happy, but my fiance does not feel like too much is expected of him. So there.
Also, I have written a saving face letter to my sexologist to give to her next week.

The beginning of a New Year

...for me, anyway.
Today is my birthday. Last night I rode my bike home from work in the rain. It was really cold and my butt got really muddy because I never buy a fender like I say I will. But it made me feel powerful, as riding my bike usually does. I thought about who I have become and who I will further evolve into.
My sexologist asked me to bring my fiance with me to my session today. After a great deal of drama, he is coming, and I couldn't be prouder. Then we'll catch a movie and some nibbles.
The homework was kind of hard this week, and not just because I had a terrible cold and no energy. I had to make a list of Wants Wills and Won't- 30 in each column. It was a real tax on my creativity... I hope she likes it. 

some tidbits

The highlight of Monday's session was when my sexologist explained shmiga to me (or schmigdala, or something. it has a gross name at any rate). Apparently this stuff, this white cheesy stuff, gets secreted (by everyone) and if you're an uncircumcised male if can collect under the foreskin and just sit there being gross until you wash it away. If you're a female and not OCD, then it collects between the clitoris and the clitoral hood (which covers it), and can crystalize over time and decrease mobility. No one ever tells you this. And then the great part: she demonstrated how this works by pulling the hood of her sweater up and sticking Kleenex in it. This women is awesome.
This also got me thinking about foreskins, which I don't do very much. My fiance doesn't have one, so they don't have much bearing on my life. I used to think they just made trouble (when I lost my virginity, it was to an uncircumcised guy who's foreskin aided in the breaking of several condoms, and the next morning I had to go to the health center for plan B. Welcome to sexual activity, Lauren!). I've learned in the last couple months some interesting facts: circumcision can be really emotionally damaging at any age. A statistically tiny number (excepting Jews) of men who were not circumcised as infants choose to have it preformed in adulthood. America is one of very few countries to practice it, and it's all because the Victorians wanted to make it more difficult for young boys to masturbate.
So now I'm kind of conflicted. What will I do with the hypothetical foreskins of my hypothetical male children?

8 am class? pshh

Can't sleep. My mind is racing. Thought about having some tea, but it's all caffinated. All seven kinds.
Didn't get home until 7 tonight- both the time and location of my appointment were moved. That was a little bit of an adventure. When I got home I kept thinking of things about the session to tell my fiance. When he fell asleep I kept thinking about the session. Brain won't stop!
Here is my homework for the week:
Mutual Masturbation (can be the both of us touching ourselves, each other, or both of us touching one of us)
Where is partner with Lauren's orgasms?
Want/Will/Won't (we list things we want, will and won't do in regards to sex, 30 things in each column)
Masturbate

I learned so much in this session. And I was congratulated for being a star client. That felt good.
She wants me to bring my fiance next time... as a source of information, she said, not as a client. I'm letting him think it over before he makes up his mind. Next Monday is my birthday though.... it would make a nice gift.

a new week ahead

If only I was as enthusiastic about regular homework as I am my sexology homework.... I had it basically all done by Friday.
So I have to bring up the family email. The bane of my existance you might say. I can't remember when it first started. Several months ago, at any rate.
My fiance and I get this email. THE FAMILY LETTER (what is it about old people and the all in caps thing? is that like hair falling out? i'll just wake up one day and be totally unable to write an email without at least one word all in caps? don't they get that it's like being screamed at?). And future mother in law wants my fiance and his brothers and their wives and daughters to all give updates about their lives. And there's a whole set of rules. You must do this. In a certain order. And write at least a paragraph. And you must respond within a week of it becoming your turn.
I have a contrary nature. When I got this email a big part of me just went "oh heck no. I haven't even married into this family yet! That woman isn't even remotely related to me yet! And even then, who her put in charge?" Seriously, boss your husband (#5, btw) and sons around as much as your want (regardless of the fact that most of them are in their thirties). But you have no control over their wives and daughters! Seriously. I was pissed.
But I played nice. I wrote my piece. But then, a couple weeks later, she started the cycle back up again.

Okay, I can see doing this once a year. Maybe for Christmas. But every two weeks? I'm sorry but normal people just do not have lives interesting enough for that.

check check check

Sex for One came to my door as I was writing the last post. There are indeed some very interesting illusrations of the variations of a vulva. Apparently some people have octopus tenticle looking inner labia.... straaange. And Betty Dodson is actually the person who made masturbation okay. She went on a quest to make it okay. In the seventies. Crazy.
So I drew my vulva. In crayon. It all felt very subversive, and I had to do a first draft. But in the end I'm kind of proud of it.
So, now for something else.
Mother-in-law-to-be is coming. In 14 days. Every time I look at the house I think of all the things that have to be cleaned. And I still have no idea what we're going to do while she's here. We are, delightfully, visiting the dress shop so she can look at the color I've picked out. Apparently she wants to wear a dress of the same color.
And she's bringing the dog. Oh why oh why is she bringing that dog. If a dog needs to be drugged so it can go on a roadtrip, maybe that dog should stay at home? Or at a kennel? Just a thought. And our appartment doesn't allow pets, and we are not about to risk eviction by letting him stay here. They are paying extra for a hotel that allows dogs, but even then she doesn't want to leave him there during the day. She thinks he will get stolen. So that dog is going to spend, basically, a week in the car, minus nights. Madness.

to do lists are fun

Hopefully my copy of Sex for One will show up in the next few hours. FedEx says its out on delivery. The author, Betty Dodson, I'm told, is the grandmother of masturbation. My sexologist says she's in her eighties, looks like she's in her fifties, and has a boyfriend in his thirties. Sounds like the woman to learn from. Apparently the book has "wonderful" illustrations of vulvas, which I'm hoping will help me draw my own. I went to check that situation out today and had no idea where to start.
The sex log is coming along well. I have finished writing about Tuesday night's activities and am working on writing about Wednesday night's activities. In session, I leave things out that I don't think matter. Writing the log, I don't feel like I can do that. Yup, this is exactly what sex between us is like. During my first session, a week and a half ago, I was amazed at how easy it was to talk about sex. She just worked me up to it, and there I was. It was like "hey! did i just say clitoris? yup. there it went. oh look i did it again. huh." The sex log is a little different. I feel pretty self conscious thinking about her reading it.
But it is comforting to think of how nonjudgemental she is. On the back of her business card is an awesome quote: "I am a sexologist and that means I've given my life to the scientific study of organized information about sex. Just as I wouldn't judge daises over roses if I were a botanist, I don't judge sexual behaviors." Janice Epp, PhD
(fyi Janice Epp is not my sexologist. she's a kind of famous one that practices in Paolo Alto CA)(i do not live in CA)

Some further details

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A place to vent

Hello internet. My name is Lauren. I am a senior at an American university, graduating next spring with a B.A. in Psychology. Next September, I plan to marry my boyfriend/fiance/manthing of almost three years. The May following that we plan to move back to my hometown where ultimately I dream of owning a sustainably-minded small independent bakery.
Right now I am juggling school (15 credits) and work (24 hours a week) and wedding planning. And graduation paperwork. And an impending visit from the soon-to-be-mother-in-law-who-nobody-ever-says-no-to. And for me, the most exciting and wonderful not-really-an-obligation: I have started seeing a sexologist because, despite voracious efforts I have never had an orgasm. I want this to change.
For the longest time, my inability to orgasm made me feel sad and helpless. I wanted the magical orgasm fairy to come along and save me and show me where they kept the fantastic orgasms that everybody else was having.
Thus, this blog. Because as I've quickly learned you can't just say "pre-orgasmic" in public. Unless maybe you're Swedish? They seem to be really open about that kind of thing. I'm a wild Facebook stalker, but everyone is there. The future-mother-in-law is there. And you can't complain about your mother in law to your mother in law.
This is my place to vent. Even though my free time has magically disappeared, I need a place where I can say what I really feel about the people and events in my life. This blog will help keep me sane over (at least) the next year.