Hello! I've been warned I might have some visitors headed my way. This is the account of my journey of... sexual discovery? To read from the beginning, go to 2010, then September, then the bottom of the page. Scroll up to go forward in time. On each subsequent page, scroll to the bottom and proceed the same way . Sorry about that! Blogspot is not super accommodating to readers of an archive.
And, yes, as I know you'll soon figure out, I was one of Dr. Doe's clients. She's an awesome therapist! I hope you enjoy reading about my journey, and that you find my experiences enlightening, interesting, or at the very least, entertaining. If so, please come back soon. I'll be posting more often in the coming weeks, because although I haven't written in some time, my journey is not at an end. Now though, I'm off to work! Bye!
Friday, January 10, 2014
Thursday, January 9, 2014
An Update-y Update
It seems logical to, first and foremost, report on what I've been up to since I dropped off the face of the earth. As planned, my husband and I moved in July of 2012. In April 2013 we welcomed a baby boy into the world. I'm still working retail, but have gained some perspective about my management job after a year as an underpaid clerk. My ambitions have changed as a result of my motherhood- No, I don't want to be a housewife now! While I was pregnant I discovered the world of midwifery, which has continued to fascinate me even though it no longer has direct relevance in my daily life.
The most relevant thing to update about is my relationship with my husband. In September, we had a conversation that started out like so many had in the past: the difference in our sex drives. But through a simple statement my husband made, this conversation led me to a major, mind blowing revelation- my husband is basically asexual. Looking back over the history of this blog now, this conclusion seems obvious. Clearly it was something I was in denial about. My husband and I had been together for almost six years at the time this conversation occurred. The idea behind being in a relationship is to have someone who knows and is known be you intimately. I feel that I must have been trying pretty hard with some part of myself to have not know this about him.
There have turned out to be two sides to this revelation. On the one hand, it was a giant relief to be able to attribute our relationship problems to something other than a vauge, unknown flaw in myself. In this situation, putting a label on my husband was hugely helpful in letting me look at out relationship differently. I've stopped asking him for sex I know he isn't interested in. If he does initiate something, I gratefully participate and try not to ask for more than is offered.
But....
I probably would not have chosen to marry and start a family with someone who is oriented so very differently from myself. But here we, very much a family unit, which cannot be dismantled without also leaving all three of us (four counting the dog) the poorer for it. As time has gone on, I have started thinking about this with more and more sentiment in the equation. The time we get to spend as a family, and seeing my son develop and become more and more an actual person, makes me very determined to keep our family together.
So here is my difficulty: If I cannot piece together a satisfying sex life between the sex I have with myself and the once-a-month sex I have with my husband, someone else needs to be involved. Many times, my husband has said he doesn't mind if I sleep with women. In the past I found this mildly annoying, as if he felt my feelings for women weren't legit, that they posed no threat to our relationship, unlike other men. I've since adopted the opinion that this is an evolution thing, protecting his genetic material and all that. It was a lot of over thinking over nothing, since I've always been faithful, with only casual glances at women and virtual blindness when it came to men. However, since that fateful late-night conversation in September, my eyes and mind rarely leave the gutter. I develop new crushes fortnightly, on people dramatically ineligible but inevitably in close proximity to me (read: coworkers). It's a problem. I inch closer to finding a ladyfriend but lust after men, the quality of whom mostly inspire endless shame.
Most of the time, I try not to think about all this...stuff. I live my life (which is pretty busy these days) and have put this Big Question on the back burner for the time being. And on the lusty nights.... stash my vibrator where I can find it when I get home from work.
The most relevant thing to update about is my relationship with my husband. In September, we had a conversation that started out like so many had in the past: the difference in our sex drives. But through a simple statement my husband made, this conversation led me to a major, mind blowing revelation- my husband is basically asexual. Looking back over the history of this blog now, this conclusion seems obvious. Clearly it was something I was in denial about. My husband and I had been together for almost six years at the time this conversation occurred. The idea behind being in a relationship is to have someone who knows and is known be you intimately. I feel that I must have been trying pretty hard with some part of myself to have not know this about him.
There have turned out to be two sides to this revelation. On the one hand, it was a giant relief to be able to attribute our relationship problems to something other than a vauge, unknown flaw in myself. In this situation, putting a label on my husband was hugely helpful in letting me look at out relationship differently. I've stopped asking him for sex I know he isn't interested in. If he does initiate something, I gratefully participate and try not to ask for more than is offered.
But....
I probably would not have chosen to marry and start a family with someone who is oriented so very differently from myself. But here we, very much a family unit, which cannot be dismantled without also leaving all three of us (four counting the dog) the poorer for it. As time has gone on, I have started thinking about this with more and more sentiment in the equation. The time we get to spend as a family, and seeing my son develop and become more and more an actual person, makes me very determined to keep our family together.
So here is my difficulty: If I cannot piece together a satisfying sex life between the sex I have with myself and the once-a-month sex I have with my husband, someone else needs to be involved. Many times, my husband has said he doesn't mind if I sleep with women. In the past I found this mildly annoying, as if he felt my feelings for women weren't legit, that they posed no threat to our relationship, unlike other men. I've since adopted the opinion that this is an evolution thing, protecting his genetic material and all that. It was a lot of over thinking over nothing, since I've always been faithful, with only casual glances at women and virtual blindness when it came to men. However, since that fateful late-night conversation in September, my eyes and mind rarely leave the gutter. I develop new crushes fortnightly, on people dramatically ineligible but inevitably in close proximity to me (read: coworkers). It's a problem. I inch closer to finding a ladyfriend but lust after men, the quality of whom mostly inspire endless shame.
Most of the time, I try not to think about all this...stuff. I live my life (which is pretty busy these days) and have put this Big Question on the back burner for the time being. And on the lusty nights.... stash my vibrator where I can find it when I get home from work.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Milestones even life can't get in the way of
Getting caught up with life like I do, I remembered my orgasm anniversary, which was the 28th, a half hour after it was over. It was not, as some might imagine, a day spent in orgasmic celebration, but a day spent at work, and then attending my husband's senior dinner. But that's okay. Tonight, after sex, my husband brought me to orgasm himself for the first time. It's true, he used a vibrator, but it was a real milestone nonetheless. It felt so strange to let my orgasm be controlled by someone else. I gave my fair share of direction in the beginning, and oh so desperately wanted to take over myself, but he got it. I was so happy. Although my future is still uncertain, as far as employment, where I will live, etc, I am very excited and hopeful about where I will take my sexual health in the next year.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
We'll work up to it.
In virtually any advice piece written on anal, one commandment seems mandatory: "Use lube and go slowly". I'd like to apply that advice the way I approach the subject itself, for both my benefit in writing this and the comfort level of anyone out there reading this.
Butts are weird. They're kinda sexy, kinda gross. They harbor a lot of bacteria. But if approached correctly, they can be a great source of sexual pleasure for almost anyone.
For today, I'll just say this: I really like anal sex. It feels illicit and exciting in a way that nothing else does.
Now about my dildo toothbrush. A few weeks ago I bought a beautiful glass dildo. It's blue and clear and has a spiral rib to it. After the first time I used it and washed it (of course I washed it first), I noticed that the spaces in between the ribs were not getting clean. I always use hand soap and hot water to clean my toys, making sure to first take the motor parts out of toys that aren't waterproof, and then drying them with a clean towel. Anyway, I dug an old toothbrush out of the drawer and have since been using it to scrub my dildo after using it. The important thing is to make sure I don't confuse it with the one I use on my teeth!
Butts are weird. They're kinda sexy, kinda gross. They harbor a lot of bacteria. But if approached correctly, they can be a great source of sexual pleasure for almost anyone.
For today, I'll just say this: I really like anal sex. It feels illicit and exciting in a way that nothing else does.
Now about my dildo toothbrush. A few weeks ago I bought a beautiful glass dildo. It's blue and clear and has a spiral rib to it. After the first time I used it and washed it (of course I washed it first), I noticed that the spaces in between the ribs were not getting clean. I always use hand soap and hot water to clean my toys, making sure to first take the motor parts out of toys that aren't waterproof, and then drying them with a clean towel. Anyway, I dug an old toothbrush out of the drawer and have since been using it to scrub my dildo after using it. The important thing is to make sure I don't confuse it with the one I use on my teeth!
Monday, April 9, 2012
Easter Blessings
This is a season of transformation and hope, no matter your spiritual inclination. Everyone enjoys the change of season and the promise of warmer weather soon. For Christians Easter is a time for self reflection and counting your blessings, coming out of Lent and celebrating the resurrection of Christ. For Jewish people, Passover is a time to be thankful and mediate on their freedom from bondage. The spring equinox in mid-march is observed by many varieties of Pagan and Wiccan individuals.
For me spring is, among other things, a time to celebrate my sexuality. The anniversary of my first orgasm is in nineteen days. How shall I celebrate this? I'm currently pretty happy with my sexuality. By no means do I feel pressure to experience another milestone before April 28th. I'm fairly content as I am. I think of this more as a time to reflect on the past year and half, and the strides I have made in understanding myself and my body. It's a time to be grateful for the opportunities I have had and the things I have learned.
Right now I don't want to make any sweeping proclamations about how my life has changed. I want to end this otherwise solemn and thoughtful post with a silly announcement: I how have a toothbrush for my dildo. More on that later!
For me spring is, among other things, a time to celebrate my sexuality. The anniversary of my first orgasm is in nineteen days. How shall I celebrate this? I'm currently pretty happy with my sexuality. By no means do I feel pressure to experience another milestone before April 28th. I'm fairly content as I am. I think of this more as a time to reflect on the past year and half, and the strides I have made in understanding myself and my body. It's a time to be grateful for the opportunities I have had and the things I have learned.
Right now I don't want to make any sweeping proclamations about how my life has changed. I want to end this otherwise solemn and thoughtful post with a silly announcement: I how have a toothbrush for my dildo. More on that later!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
A Triumph
In the past several months my world and more specifically my worldview have undergone extravagant changes. Recently I have begun to see sexuality as the miraculous endless horizon of possibilities it really is, rather than a series of binary choices or genetic predispositions.
As regards to the marital angst I described in my previous post, I have discovered a solution that restores my husband's libido to the way it was when we were first going out. It is, to say the least, unconventional, at least in comparison to the methods I previously employed; endless discussion and sex dates and the like. I conducted this method as a sort of experiment, and accordingly I have been keeping data. Where, as I previously mentioned, sex could occur as infrequently as one a month previously, with my new solution in place, my husband and I had sex ten times during the month of January. I have since begun keeping more detailed data, including the time of day, anything unusual about the sexual encounter, and how I felt about it.
As my life continues to change it has been extremely gratifying to feel that I have the power to fix the problems that have persisted throughout our relationship. I am happier now than perhaps I have ever been before.
As regards to the marital angst I described in my previous post, I have discovered a solution that restores my husband's libido to the way it was when we were first going out. It is, to say the least, unconventional, at least in comparison to the methods I previously employed; endless discussion and sex dates and the like. I conducted this method as a sort of experiment, and accordingly I have been keeping data. Where, as I previously mentioned, sex could occur as infrequently as one a month previously, with my new solution in place, my husband and I had sex ten times during the month of January. I have since begun keeping more detailed data, including the time of day, anything unusual about the sexual encounter, and how I felt about it.
As my life continues to change it has been extremely gratifying to feel that I have the power to fix the problems that have persisted throughout our relationship. I am happier now than perhaps I have ever been before.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
A New Year
Today I turn 24. I am married, for over a month now. My husband is going to school, working towards a career which he is very passionate about and determined to succeed in. I have my college diploma. I hold a steady job, where I work about 35 hours a week. There are many people there that I care about. I volunteer with the AIDS project in my town. I am working as a teaching assistant, which you could say is another volunteer position. I love the feeling that I am helping to educate students at my university, which I love very much. I enjoy participating in classes and helping with fundraisers at my church. I have Shelby, who I love, although the honeymoon phase is long over.
Despite all of this, I am dissatisfied. The feeling of satisfaction and joy that I once got from baking is much diminished, basically gone. I do not know what to do with the three quarters (or so) of my life that I have left to live. Coworkers encourage me to start a family. Academically minded friends urge grad school. One friend cautions against making any kind of decision within a year of getting married. I feel restless. Film? Sexuality? Knitting? These are my current passions, but how, practically, do I make my living from one of these? And how do I know my passions will not shift again?
On top of this, and with great hysteria, I am not sure I should have married my husband. We got engaged almost three years ago, and once it was decided I never questioned it until after it was done. After feeling like the sexually 'odd' one in our relationship for a long time, I'm now starting to wonder if my husband's hormone levels are normal, or if there is something he has kept from me all this time. We haven't had sex since we got married, and he doesn't seem to be suffering from the absence. I can find release on my own, but I acutely feel the absence of companionship inherent in our current situation. I feel like I live with a roommate that I just happen to share a bed with.
What really frustrates me is that, although the problem of frequency has been around almost our entire relationship, it only recently occurred to me that, unless I do something (what, I don't know) it will persist indefinitely. Trying to come up with a solution leaves me feeling deeply alone. Why didn't I consider this before I agreed to love this man for the rest of my life?
Another problem: do these feelings find root in what I really want from my marriage, or are they born of the thousands of unrealistic portraits of marriage I have been presented with in my lifetime? Couples constantly cuddled up, making out before you leave for work, this is the norm I have seen. Do married couples really act that way? In movies, if a couple sits at opposite ends of the sofa and only kiss when he leaves the house, something is wrong. So, is something wrong with us? And how have I reached this age without knowing how real people actually act?
I am 24. Today I gave myself my first ever birthday orgasm. The other first is that, for the first time in my life, I have no idea what I will be doing on my next birthday. What will 25 bring? Not knowing leaves me deeply unsettled.
Despite all of this, I am dissatisfied. The feeling of satisfaction and joy that I once got from baking is much diminished, basically gone. I do not know what to do with the three quarters (or so) of my life that I have left to live. Coworkers encourage me to start a family. Academically minded friends urge grad school. One friend cautions against making any kind of decision within a year of getting married. I feel restless. Film? Sexuality? Knitting? These are my current passions, but how, practically, do I make my living from one of these? And how do I know my passions will not shift again?
On top of this, and with great hysteria, I am not sure I should have married my husband. We got engaged almost three years ago, and once it was decided I never questioned it until after it was done. After feeling like the sexually 'odd' one in our relationship for a long time, I'm now starting to wonder if my husband's hormone levels are normal, or if there is something he has kept from me all this time. We haven't had sex since we got married, and he doesn't seem to be suffering from the absence. I can find release on my own, but I acutely feel the absence of companionship inherent in our current situation. I feel like I live with a roommate that I just happen to share a bed with.
What really frustrates me is that, although the problem of frequency has been around almost our entire relationship, it only recently occurred to me that, unless I do something (what, I don't know) it will persist indefinitely. Trying to come up with a solution leaves me feeling deeply alone. Why didn't I consider this before I agreed to love this man for the rest of my life?
Another problem: do these feelings find root in what I really want from my marriage, or are they born of the thousands of unrealistic portraits of marriage I have been presented with in my lifetime? Couples constantly cuddled up, making out before you leave for work, this is the norm I have seen. Do married couples really act that way? In movies, if a couple sits at opposite ends of the sofa and only kiss when he leaves the house, something is wrong. So, is something wrong with us? And how have I reached this age without knowing how real people actually act?
I am 24. Today I gave myself my first ever birthday orgasm. The other first is that, for the first time in my life, I have no idea what I will be doing on my next birthday. What will 25 bring? Not knowing leaves me deeply unsettled.
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