I want to rock out to every song I hear. Its snowing today, on the second to last day of April and I'm barely bothered by it. The world is fucking awesome.
I finally came.
I had my first orgasm Thursday, April 28th at 4:25 pm. I had my second one this morning around 9. And I may just go have another one after writing this. After eight months of studying method and technique, my orgasm came without method. I definitely over thought it, and maybe that's what made it happen. One thing is for sure, there is no one right way to start having orgasms!
I feel powerful and sexy and as though I am one with the universe- I also have this profound sense that I am normal- a properly functioning human being! Somewhat frightening, though it remains to be seen: this might actually change my personality. I didn't realize what an unhappy weight this inadequacy was on me, until it was suddenly gone. And I am SO happy, SO cheerful. Its pretty incredible.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
frequency
So, a topic that has been weighing on my mind over the course of this winter: the frequency with which I have sex. Whether or not I want to admit it, this has been a big concern for almost the entire time I have been with my fiance. For much of our relationship, it has held steady at about once a week. I keep track. I know that's maladaptive. Anyhow, when I started seeing my sexologist, frequency increased to twice a week. I was pretty happy about that. Then, my session ended at the beginning of December. Frequency has seen dropped to twice a month. I have experienced a wide variety of emotions about this. I was bothered- are we so settled and boring that this is how its gonna be from now on? Is sex not an important part of our relationship? Is he noticing the weight I've put on this winter?
Recently I realized that the decrease in frequency wasn't a problem, as far as my desires. I didn't actually need sex more frequently that twice a month. That freaked me out even more. I didn't want to masturbate much either. What the hell was going on?
We went camping with a friend over spring break and when we returned: sex that night, and the morning after. Thus, my newest hypothesis: maybe this is just a winter thing, and with the snow finally melted, perhaps I will be marking my maladaptive sex calendar on a more regular basis.
Recently I realized that the decrease in frequency wasn't a problem, as far as my desires. I didn't actually need sex more frequently that twice a month. That freaked me out even more. I didn't want to masturbate much either. What the hell was going on?
We went camping with a friend over spring break and when we returned: sex that night, and the morning after. Thus, my newest hypothesis: maybe this is just a winter thing, and with the snow finally melted, perhaps I will be marking my maladaptive sex calendar on a more regular basis.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
God and Sex
These contentious topics have been major themes in my life lately. This semester, I am taking classes about both of them: Human Sexuality and Comparative Mysticism (which is basically what monks and nuns thought about God from 1100-1500 ad). Both of these class have me thinking about their respective topics in new and exciting ways. I don't really think about the two together, its more the odd experience of having them both on my mind a great deal. In Mysticism we read the writings of people who thought about God every hour of the day- mostly because they were in chapel almost that often. God is written about as companion, mother, husband, everything. I'm learned about some examples where Christ-ly love is compared to erotic love. That's interesting to me- to these monks and nuns God was the bright star their lives revolved around. Now, the guiding light to existence, our culture, is saturated with sex. Sex is on people's minds all the time- it is the new God.
In my journey to reach orgasm, I have learned (and still am learning) a great deal about sex, and have been working to make sexual pleasure more a part of my life. Since Christmas I have been going back to church, a practice I abandoned in high school. I can't say what the balance between these concentrations is or should be.
But today I took a bath, and I did my reading for mysticism. Gertrud of Heltfa really had great deal to say about God. Then I pulled out my vibrator and used it til my body shook. I felt balanced and alive, and like I had made good use of an hour.
In my journey to reach orgasm, I have learned (and still am learning) a great deal about sex, and have been working to make sexual pleasure more a part of my life. Since Christmas I have been going back to church, a practice I abandoned in high school. I can't say what the balance between these concentrations is or should be.
But today I took a bath, and I did my reading for mysticism. Gertrud of Heltfa really had great deal to say about God. Then I pulled out my vibrator and used it til my body shook. I felt balanced and alive, and like I had made good use of an hour.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Poor neglected blog....
Well, picking up where I left off:
I am ejaculating left and right now, but that doesn't make it any more comfortable an experience. It also necessitates a change of venue.
My sex life is just coming out of a lame hiatus. The dramatic reconnection at the bar I mentioned in my last post caused me to come down with an aggressive cold which then turned into a sinus infection and an ear infection. I had pinkeye at the same time. I got antibiotics and got better. My fiance caught it and his turned into walking pnemonia. He got antibiotics and got better.
Then I got my period. But it ended.
Then my tonsils swelled til they nearly touched.
You can't make this stuff up folks.
After 24 days of blech I finally had sex again. It was okay.
So in other news, my sexologist called to check in with me at the end of Jan., and that was very affirming. Having someone there who finds your sexuality so important makes one feel important.
My human sexuality class is fantastic- as predicted, it does keep sexuality on my mind a lot more. And my teacher is amazing. I read a letter to my vulva in class on Tuesday. In front of, like, 300 people.
Well, picking up where I left off:
I am ejaculating left and right now, but that doesn't make it any more comfortable an experience. It also necessitates a change of venue.
My sex life is just coming out of a lame hiatus. The dramatic reconnection at the bar I mentioned in my last post caused me to come down with an aggressive cold which then turned into a sinus infection and an ear infection. I had pinkeye at the same time. I got antibiotics and got better. My fiance caught it and his turned into walking pnemonia. He got antibiotics and got better.
Then I got my period. But it ended.
Then my tonsils swelled til they nearly touched.
You can't make this stuff up folks.
After 24 days of blech I finally had sex again. It was okay.
So in other news, my sexologist called to check in with me at the end of Jan., and that was very affirming. Having someone there who finds your sexuality so important makes one feel important.
My human sexuality class is fantastic- as predicted, it does keep sexuality on my mind a lot more. And my teacher is amazing. I read a letter to my vulva in class on Tuesday. In front of, like, 300 people.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Hark! A...beakthrough?!
This has been an emotionally crazy couple of days. Yesterday I made a chicken pot pie from scratch- puff pastry, chicken stock, everything. The wonder and the strife of creation. Then, right before we were supposed to go out, my fiance and I had a fight about something trivial and stupid. Committed relationships are not majestic perfect things.
We went out. We chanced upon someone I thought was my enemy, who I have a great deal of history with. Between my state of mind and the number of drinks I had (not to mention curiosity and lonliness and maybe I was stupid to let her go in the first place) we're going to give it another go.
Today I worked my shift, hungover and sleep deprived. I mulled over the choice I've made and the general epic-ness of the preceding evening.
I came home, angst'd. Watched "The Kids Are All Right". Had an epiphany. I dismiss my melodrama by saying that I've watched too many movies, and in the movies things are black and white. Yet here was this movie, telling me all I need to know about life. There is no black and white. People are fucking complicated. Just because he doesn't listen the first time, it doesn't mean he's not the one. Just because she's flawed, it doesn't mean you should throw away the most fiery friendship.
Human relationships can take a lifetime to master.
I went into my bedroom and made myself ejaculate. Not orgasm. But it was the first breakthrough of any kind in months and I'm elated. My outlook has done a 180 since Friday morning.
We went out. We chanced upon someone I thought was my enemy, who I have a great deal of history with. Between my state of mind and the number of drinks I had (not to mention curiosity and lonliness and maybe I was stupid to let her go in the first place) we're going to give it another go.
Today I worked my shift, hungover and sleep deprived. I mulled over the choice I've made and the general epic-ness of the preceding evening.
I came home, angst'd. Watched "The Kids Are All Right". Had an epiphany. I dismiss my melodrama by saying that I've watched too many movies, and in the movies things are black and white. Yet here was this movie, telling me all I need to know about life. There is no black and white. People are fucking complicated. Just because he doesn't listen the first time, it doesn't mean he's not the one. Just because she's flawed, it doesn't mean you should throw away the most fiery friendship.
Human relationships can take a lifetime to master.
I went into my bedroom and made myself ejaculate. Not orgasm. But it was the first breakthrough of any kind in months and I'm elated. My outlook has done a 180 since Friday morning.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
ai me, I am neglectful.
I thought I had found the perfect solution to cunnilingus, but it was for naught. It worked once though.
I was honest, imagine that.
I said I didn't want to be having sex where we did everything except what make me feel like I might come.
So then he went down on me. But then the next time we had sex, he wouldn't. I was baffled.
I finally masturbated this morning. Its disturbing how little motivation I have for that anymore. Although with winter break, my fiance has been around the house a lot more. I look forward to the several days a week that he goes to school before me in the coming semester. I don't know exactly why I feel so weird about doing it with him in the house.
I am really looking forward to this, my last semester of college. Its possible that I'll just be spending $60 on textbooks, which is basically a miracle. Goodbye, $150 psych texts I can't sell back! I shan't miss you =)
I thought I had found the perfect solution to cunnilingus, but it was for naught. It worked once though.
I was honest, imagine that.
I said I didn't want to be having sex where we did everything except what make me feel like I might come.
So then he went down on me. But then the next time we had sex, he wouldn't. I was baffled.
I finally masturbated this morning. Its disturbing how little motivation I have for that anymore. Although with winter break, my fiance has been around the house a lot more. I look forward to the several days a week that he goes to school before me in the coming semester. I don't know exactly why I feel so weird about doing it with him in the house.
I am really looking forward to this, my last semester of college. Its possible that I'll just be spending $60 on textbooks, which is basically a miracle. Goodbye, $150 psych texts I can't sell back! I shan't miss you =)
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
a rolling stone gathers no moss....
....as the vagina of a motivated girl gathers no dust.
This morning started with a goal met. I've had a lovely couple of days off. On Monday I watched a bunch of the L word. Being a showtime program, the L Word contains a bunch of graphic nudity and steamy sex. As I was starting to really get into, my fiance came home from work. Drat, I thought. Tomorrow will be masturbation Tuesday. But come Tuesday morning, my fiance claimed defeat to his achy back and stayed home. So today, Wednesday, I left nothing to chance. As soon as I was fully awake, the vibrator was out. Then I ate a tangerine. A good morning. I finally finished "For Yourself" just half an hour ago. Did not care for that book. I did, however, learn that Paps are specifically to check for uterine cancer. I felt a little dumb for not knowing that already, but maybe it's like brushing your teeth. You know it's good for you and you're supposed to do it, but its hard to remember the whole laundry list of benefits it accomplishes. "Why should I brush my teeth? ... It's good for me." is usually sufficient motivation.
Later today, I'm going to finish a knitting project that I've literally been working on for years.
A sense of a achievement can be almost addictive, especially during winter break, when there's no sense of achievement to be had from school.
There is a verb form of fellatio- to fellate. But can you do that with the female form?Is it possible to cunnilingate someone? I'm curious.
Anyway, the other night I asked my fiance to cunnilingate me, and he finally did. Yay hot foot sensations!
But, as I'm sure I've mentioned before, cunnilingus is a hard thing to come by in my bed. Despite bringing home dental dams and trying to seek out more comfortable positions, my requests for it (and I always have to specifically request it) are met with unhappy noises and hesitation, even when my fiance is already signed on for intercourse.
Here's the problem: how does one tread the line between advocating for one's needs (in this case, cunnilingus is the one thing that makes me feel consistently close to orgasm) and being inconsiderate and demanding (this latest encounter was the first instance of cunnilingus this month, and not for lack of trying on my part).
This morning started with a goal met. I've had a lovely couple of days off. On Monday I watched a bunch of the L word. Being a showtime program, the L Word contains a bunch of graphic nudity and steamy sex. As I was starting to really get into, my fiance came home from work. Drat, I thought. Tomorrow will be masturbation Tuesday. But come Tuesday morning, my fiance claimed defeat to his achy back and stayed home. So today, Wednesday, I left nothing to chance. As soon as I was fully awake, the vibrator was out. Then I ate a tangerine. A good morning. I finally finished "For Yourself" just half an hour ago. Did not care for that book. I did, however, learn that Paps are specifically to check for uterine cancer. I felt a little dumb for not knowing that already, but maybe it's like brushing your teeth. You know it's good for you and you're supposed to do it, but its hard to remember the whole laundry list of benefits it accomplishes. "Why should I brush my teeth? ... It's good for me." is usually sufficient motivation.
Later today, I'm going to finish a knitting project that I've literally been working on for years.
A sense of a achievement can be almost addictive, especially during winter break, when there's no sense of achievement to be had from school.
There is a verb form of fellatio- to fellate. But can you do that with the female form?Is it possible to cunnilingate someone? I'm curious.
Anyway, the other night I asked my fiance to cunnilingate me, and he finally did. Yay hot foot sensations!
But, as I'm sure I've mentioned before, cunnilingus is a hard thing to come by in my bed. Despite bringing home dental dams and trying to seek out more comfortable positions, my requests for it (and I always have to specifically request it) are met with unhappy noises and hesitation, even when my fiance is already signed on for intercourse.
Here's the problem: how does one tread the line between advocating for one's needs (in this case, cunnilingus is the one thing that makes me feel consistently close to orgasm) and being inconsiderate and demanding (this latest encounter was the first instance of cunnilingus this month, and not for lack of trying on my part).
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