A New Year

Today I turn 24. I am married, for over a month now. My husband is going to school, working towards a career which he is very passionate about and determined to succeed in. I have my college diploma. I hold a steady job, where I work about 35 hours a week. There are many people there that I care about. I volunteer with the AIDS project in my town. I am working as a teaching assistant, which you could say is another volunteer position. I love the feeling that I am helping to educate students at my university, which I love very much. I enjoy participating in classes and helping with fundraisers at my church. I have Shelby, who I love, although the honeymoon phase is long over.
Despite all of this, I am dissatisfied. The feeling of satisfaction and joy that I once got from baking is much diminished, basically gone. I do not know what to do with the three quarters (or so) of my life that I have left to live. Coworkers encourage me to start a family. Academically minded friends urge grad school. One friend cautions against making any kind of decision within a year of getting married. I feel restless. Film? Sexuality? Knitting? These are my current passions, but how, practically, do I make my living from one of these? And how do I know my passions will not shift again?
On top of this, and with great hysteria, I am not sure I should have married my husband. We got engaged almost three years ago, and once it was decided I never questioned it until after it was done. After feeling like the sexually 'odd' one in our relationship for a long time, I'm now starting to wonder if my husband's hormone levels are normal, or if there is something he has kept from me all this time. We haven't had sex since we got married, and he doesn't seem to be suffering from the absence. I can find release on my own, but I acutely feel the absence of companionship inherent in our current situation. I feel like I live with a roommate that I just happen to share a bed with.
What really frustrates me is that, although the problem of frequency has been around almost our entire relationship, it only recently occurred to me that, unless I do something (what, I don't know) it will persist indefinitely. Trying to come up with a solution leaves me feeling deeply alone. Why didn't I consider this before I agreed to love this man for the rest of my life?
Another problem: do these feelings find root in what I really want from my marriage, or are they born of the thousands of unrealistic portraits of marriage I have been presented with in my lifetime? Couples constantly cuddled up, making out before you leave for work, this is the norm I have seen. Do married couples really act that way? In movies, if a couple sits at opposite ends of the sofa and only kiss when he leaves the house, something is wrong. So, is something wrong with us? And how have I reached this age without knowing how real people actually act?
I am 24. Today I gave myself my first ever birthday orgasm. The other first is that, for the first time in my life, I have no idea what I will be doing on my next birthday. What will 25 bring? Not knowing leaves me deeply unsettled.

An Interesting Result

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the honest truth

I've been avoiding writing this post, but avoiding the topic has not made it less true. Now that I am having orgasms by myself and experiencing those sensations, intercourse, and the sensations usually associated with it, is downright boring. This leads me to anticipate a change in the sexual dynamics of the relationship. A while back, I suggested that we have sessions of making out or more, so that we could be intimate without my fiance having to go to the effort of outright sex. That has been working out fairly well. We may start to lean more on that kind of interaction, and it will be interesting to see if my fiance starts trying to initiate sex. I feel that sex will now take a great deal of effort on his part to be an activity I want to put time and effort into.

Afterthoughts

Right after I orgasm, my brain is flooded with positive thoughts. I think about my academic achievements, my relationship with my fiance and the exceptional tolerably of my job. Everything is awesome in those post-orgasmic moments. I'm starting to wonder if, when I masturbate, I'm chasing the physical sensations or the mental uplift. They are both wonderful and entirely positive experiences.
Even without any masturbation today, I am feeling pretty positive. I finished college yesterday and I just put a lattice crust pie in the oven. I'm good at stuff. 

What's it like?

As the sensations build I feel a tightening in my lower back. That's how I know I'm getting close. The tightening grows into a tingling, and suddenly the feeling explodes through my body, paralyzing me. The noise I make is more eternal than sexual. After wards, I feel more relaxed than I thought possible. I sink into the sheets, like I  might fall right through, and I feel capable of anything. 

Knit knit purl, or, the journey is not over

When I was 12 my great aunt taught me to knit. I was only there for a short visit, so it was not an extensive lesson. But I got along for 11 years with just the garter stitch, which is what you get if you knit every row. I became proficient in making things like scarves and squares, which I sewed together to become blankets. Just a few weeks ago, I finally learned to purl. For the uninitiated, a purl stitch is kind of like a knit stitch backward. Combining knit and purl stitches allows you to make different patterns. The knit stitch has worked for me for over a decade, but now I am learning new tricks left and right. Yesterday, I knit a little hat for a friend of mine who is having a baby. For the first time, I knit in the round, and on double pointed needles. I made I-cord and I decreased stitches. I felt like the knitting world could no longer hide its secrets.
Later on Saturday, right after I had my fourth orgasm ever, I realized that my mastering of knitting was a good metaphor for my journey of exploring my sexuality. My right foot feeling hot, my eyes watering, ejaculating and, finally, orgasm-ing. These are all new tricks my body has learned.
As with knitting, there is still more to learn and master. I did buy a 12-pack of batteries last night, but by no means does that indicate that I will only be satisfied with battery-powered orgasms. I want to orgasm by the hand, by the tongue, and during intercourse. I want to have them by myself and with my fiance. I want him to share in the manic joy I have felt since Thursday. I am still on this journey, but I have definitely turned a corner. As I knit more hats and practice orgasms I will continue to learn and be amazed by what my body and I can achieve. And I will keep you updated along the way.

SUCCESS

I want to rock out to every song I hear. Its snowing today, on the second to last day of April and I'm barely bothered by it. The world is fucking awesome.
I finally came.
I had my first orgasm Thursday, April 28th at 4:25 pm. I had my second one this morning around 9. And I may just go have another one after writing this. After eight months of studying method and technique, my orgasm came without method. I definitely over thought it, and maybe that's what made it happen. One thing is for sure, there is no one right way to start having orgasms!
I feel powerful and sexy and as though I am one with the universe- I also have this profound sense that I am normal- a properly functioning human being! Somewhat frightening, though it remains to be seen: this might actually change my personality. I didn't realize what an unhappy weight this inadequacy was on me, until it was suddenly gone. And I am SO happy, SO cheerful. Its pretty incredible.

frequency

So, a topic that has been weighing on my mind over the course of this winter: the frequency with which I have sex. Whether or not I want to admit it, this has been a big concern for almost the entire time I have been with my fiance. For much of our relationship, it has held steady at about once a week. I keep track. I know that's maladaptive. Anyhow, when I started seeing my sexologist, frequency increased to twice a week. I was pretty happy about that. Then, my session ended at the beginning of December. Frequency has seen dropped to twice a month. I have experienced a wide variety of emotions about this. I was bothered- are we so settled and boring that this is how its gonna be from now on? Is sex not an important part of our relationship? Is he noticing the weight I've put on this winter?
Recently I realized that the decrease in frequency wasn't a problem, as far as my desires. I didn't actually need sex more frequently that twice a month. That freaked me out even more. I didn't want to masturbate much either. What the hell was going on?
We went camping with a friend over spring break and when we returned: sex that night, and the morning after. Thus, my newest hypothesis: maybe this is just a winter thing, and with the snow finally melted, perhaps I will be marking my maladaptive sex calendar on a more regular basis.

God and Sex

These contentious topics have been major themes in my life lately. This semester, I am taking classes about both of them: Human Sexuality and Comparative Mysticism (which is basically what monks and nuns thought about God from 1100-1500 ad). Both of these class have me thinking about their respective topics in new and exciting ways. I don't really think about the two together, its more the odd experience of having them both on my mind a great deal. In Mysticism we read the writings of people who thought about God every hour of the day- mostly because they were in chapel almost that often. God is written about as companion, mother, husband, everything. I'm learned about some examples where Christ-ly love is compared to erotic love. That's interesting to me- to these monks and nuns God was the bright star their lives revolved around. Now, the guiding light to existence, our culture, is saturated with sex. Sex is on people's minds all the time- it is the new God.
In my journey to reach orgasm, I have learned (and still am learning) a great deal about sex, and have been working to make sexual pleasure more a part of my life. Since Christmas I have been going back to church, a practice I abandoned in high school. I can't say what the balance between these concentrations is or should be.
But today I took a bath, and I did my reading for mysticism. Gertrud of Heltfa really had great deal to say about God. Then I pulled out my vibrator and used it til my body shook. I felt balanced and alive, and like I had made good use of an hour.

Poor neglected blog....
Well, picking up where I left off:
I am ejaculating left and right now, but that doesn't make it any more comfortable an experience. It also necessitates a change of venue.
My sex life is just coming out of a lame hiatus. The dramatic reconnection at the bar I mentioned in my last post caused me to come down with an aggressive cold which then turned into a sinus infection and an ear infection. I had pinkeye at the same time. I got antibiotics and got better. My fiance caught it and his turned into walking pnemonia. He got antibiotics and got better.
Then I got my period. But it ended.
Then my tonsils swelled til they nearly touched.
You can't make this stuff up folks.
After 24 days of blech I finally had sex again. It was okay.
So in other news, my sexologist called to check in with me at the end of Jan., and that was very affirming. Having someone there who finds your sexuality so important makes one feel important.
My human sexuality class is fantastic- as predicted, it does keep sexuality on my mind a lot more. And my teacher is amazing. I read a letter to my vulva in class on Tuesday. In front of, like, 300 people.

Hark! A...beakthrough?!

This has been an emotionally crazy couple of days. Yesterday I made a chicken pot pie from scratch- puff pastry, chicken stock, everything. The wonder and the strife of creation. Then, right before we were supposed to go out, my fiance and I had a fight about something trivial and stupid. Committed relationships are not majestic perfect things.
We went out. We chanced upon someone I thought was my enemy, who I have a great deal of history with. Between my state of mind and the number of drinks I had (not to mention curiosity and lonliness and maybe I was stupid to let her go in the first place) we're going to give it another go.
Today I worked my shift, hungover and sleep deprived. I mulled over the choice I've made and the general epic-ness of the preceding evening.
I came home, angst'd. Watched "The Kids Are All Right". Had an epiphany. I dismiss my melodrama by saying that I've watched too many movies, and in the movies things are black and white. Yet here was this movie, telling me all I need to know about life. There is no black and white. People are fucking complicated. Just because he doesn't listen the first time, it doesn't mean he's not the one. Just because she's flawed, it doesn't mean you should throw away the most fiery friendship.
Human relationships can take a lifetime to master.
I went into my bedroom and made myself ejaculate. Not orgasm. But it was the first breakthrough of any kind in months and I'm elated. My outlook has done a 180 since Friday morning.

ai me, I am neglectful.
I thought I had found the perfect solution to cunnilingus, but it was for naught. It worked once though.
I was honest, imagine that.
I said I didn't want to be having sex where we did everything except what make me feel like I might come.
So then he went down on me. But then the next time we had sex, he wouldn't. I was baffled.
I finally masturbated this morning. Its disturbing how little motivation I have for that anymore. Although with winter break, my fiance has been around the house a lot more. I look forward to the several days a week that he goes to school before me in the coming semester. I don't know exactly why I feel so weird about doing it with him in the house.
I am really looking forward to this, my last semester of college. Its possible that I'll just be spending $60 on textbooks, which is basically a miracle. Goodbye, $150 psych texts I can't sell back! I shan't miss you =)