Semi-relevant

Today, when my husband got home from work, I all but threw our son at him and ran for the hills. The sun was shinning, the mountain was out, and I performed my traditional "sick of winter" premature wearing of Chacos. I went to Starbucks with a book and it was the nicest, and only, hour I'd had by myself in a long time. A few weeks ago, when the novelty of all the web traffic 'round here wore off, I got really depressed for a few days. It was halfway through a six day work week, and I was sick of taking care of other people every minute of the day. It felt like every moment I took for myself, even just to pee, was a moment stolen from my husband, stolen from time I should be giving my attention and love to my son, stolen from time I should be asleep. The dog and the baby can't say thanks, and I feel like my husband just doesn't care if there's appropriate dinner food in the house or clean dishes or clothes. I could just stop doing things, but then I would feel crazy and he wouldn't care. On top of this, I just wanted to be touched kindly. Not a requisite-kiss-on-the-way-out-the-door, not tiny fingers up the nose. Someone putting out energy to make me feel good, not even in a sexual way. So I cried my way home from work. And sat in the car crying some more. And then I got over it. I probably grew a little more bitter deep down inside, but I stood back up and went about my life.
I do feel like I'm going to great lengths to avoid having a follow-up conversation with my husband. Continuing to be his wife, staying together, is a big concession on my part- he is getting everything out of the relationship that he wants and needs, and quite simply, I am not. I feel cheated. But we haven't talked about it since that night in September.
And so my love life has stayed the same. I have work crushes. They're awful. I masturbate. It gets the job done. Need to go vibrator shopping though.... We have sex about once a month. Which is still often enough that I can have pregnancy scares.... My period was two days late last weekend, and I went through about twenty four hours of panic waiting for it. As per usual I bought a test and took it hours before my period came. My husband did not notice the test in the trash, or the box in the shopping bag, or later, in the recycling. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing in the corner, screaming, and everyone pretends not to notice. Ugh. Melodramatic much?
In other news, this: http://jezebel.com/uh-what-the-hell-is-a-third-level-orgasm-1502107036 Yay, relevant! I don't have much to say about this, except that I've definitely experienced the orgasms that don't feel like a full release. They make me feel a little ungrateful- any orgasm is great, right? -but it does feel unmistakably different from one in which every part of me turns to mush.
So, food for thought. I should really be in bed....