Today, when my husband got home from work, I all but threw our son at him and ran for the hills. The sun was shinning, the mountain was out, and I performed my traditional "sick of winter" premature wearing of Chacos. I went to Starbucks with a book and it was the nicest, and only, hour I'd had by myself in a long time. A few weeks ago, when the novelty of all the web traffic 'round here wore off, I got really depressed for a few days. It was halfway through a six day work week, and I was sick of taking care of other people every minute of the day. It felt like every moment I took for myself, even just to pee, was a moment stolen from my husband, stolen from time I should be giving my attention and love to my son, stolen from time I should be asleep. The dog and the baby can't say thanks, and I feel like my husband just doesn't care if there's appropriate dinner food in the house or clean dishes or clothes. I could just stop doing things, but then I would feel crazy and he wouldn't care. On top of this, I just wanted to be touched kindly. Not a requisite-kiss-on-the-way-out-the-door, not tiny fingers up the nose. Someone putting out energy to make me feel good, not even in a sexual way. So I cried my way home from work. And sat in the car crying some more. And then I got over it. I probably grew a little more bitter deep down inside, but I stood back up and went about my life.
I do feel like I'm going to great lengths to avoid having a follow-up conversation with my husband. Continuing to be his wife, staying together, is a big concession on my part- he is getting everything out of the relationship that he wants and needs, and quite simply, I am not. I feel cheated. But we haven't talked about it since that night in September.
And so my love life has stayed the same. I have work crushes. They're awful. I masturbate. It gets the job done. Need to go vibrator shopping though.... We have sex about once a month. Which is still often enough that I can have pregnancy scares.... My period was two days late last weekend, and I went through about twenty four hours of panic waiting for it. As per usual I bought a test and took it hours before my period came. My husband did not notice the test in the trash, or the box in the shopping bag, or later, in the recycling. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing in the corner, screaming, and everyone pretends not to notice. Ugh. Melodramatic much?
In other news, this: http://jezebel.com/uh-what-the-hell-is-a-third-level-orgasm-1502107036 Yay, relevant! I don't have much to say about this, except that I've definitely experienced the orgasms that don't feel like a full release. They make me feel a little ungrateful- any orgasm is great, right? -but it does feel unmistakably different from one in which every part of me turns to mush.
So, food for thought. I should really be in bed....
Friday, January 24, 2014
Friday, January 10, 2014
A welcome and a tutorial
Hello! I've been warned I might have some visitors headed my way. This is the account of my journey of... sexual discovery? To read from the beginning, go to 2010, then September, then the bottom of the page. Scroll up to go forward in time. On each subsequent page, scroll to the bottom and proceed the same way . Sorry about that! Blogspot is not super accommodating to readers of an archive.
And, yes, as I know you'll soon figure out, I was one of Dr. Doe's clients. She's an awesome therapist! I hope you enjoy reading about my journey, and that you find my experiences enlightening, interesting, or at the very least, entertaining. If so, please come back soon. I'll be posting more often in the coming weeks, because although I haven't written in some time, my journey is not at an end. Now though, I'm off to work! Bye!
And, yes, as I know you'll soon figure out, I was one of Dr. Doe's clients. She's an awesome therapist! I hope you enjoy reading about my journey, and that you find my experiences enlightening, interesting, or at the very least, entertaining. If so, please come back soon. I'll be posting more often in the coming weeks, because although I haven't written in some time, my journey is not at an end. Now though, I'm off to work! Bye!
Thursday, January 9, 2014
An Update-y Update
It seems logical to, first and foremost, report on what I've been up to since I dropped off the face of the earth. As planned, my husband and I moved in July of 2012. In April 2013 we welcomed a baby boy into the world. I'm still working retail, but have gained some perspective about my management job after a year as an underpaid clerk. My ambitions have changed as a result of my motherhood- No, I don't want to be a housewife now! While I was pregnant I discovered the world of midwifery, which has continued to fascinate me even though it no longer has direct relevance in my daily life.
The most relevant thing to update about is my relationship with my husband. In September, we had a conversation that started out like so many had in the past: the difference in our sex drives. But through a simple statement my husband made, this conversation led me to a major, mind blowing revelation- my husband is basically asexual. Looking back over the history of this blog now, this conclusion seems obvious. Clearly it was something I was in denial about. My husband and I had been together for almost six years at the time this conversation occurred. The idea behind being in a relationship is to have someone who knows and is known be you intimately. I feel that I must have been trying pretty hard with some part of myself to have not know this about him.
There have turned out to be two sides to this revelation. On the one hand, it was a giant relief to be able to attribute our relationship problems to something other than a vauge, unknown flaw in myself. In this situation, putting a label on my husband was hugely helpful in letting me look at out relationship differently. I've stopped asking him for sex I know he isn't interested in. If he does initiate something, I gratefully participate and try not to ask for more than is offered.
But....
I probably would not have chosen to marry and start a family with someone who is oriented so very differently from myself. But here we, very much a family unit, which cannot be dismantled without also leaving all three of us (four counting the dog) the poorer for it. As time has gone on, I have started thinking about this with more and more sentiment in the equation. The time we get to spend as a family, and seeing my son develop and become more and more an actual person, makes me very determined to keep our family together.
So here is my difficulty: If I cannot piece together a satisfying sex life between the sex I have with myself and the once-a-month sex I have with my husband, someone else needs to be involved. Many times, my husband has said he doesn't mind if I sleep with women. In the past I found this mildly annoying, as if he felt my feelings for women weren't legit, that they posed no threat to our relationship, unlike other men. I've since adopted the opinion that this is an evolution thing, protecting his genetic material and all that. It was a lot of over thinking over nothing, since I've always been faithful, with only casual glances at women and virtual blindness when it came to men. However, since that fateful late-night conversation in September, my eyes and mind rarely leave the gutter. I develop new crushes fortnightly, on people dramatically ineligible but inevitably in close proximity to me (read: coworkers). It's a problem. I inch closer to finding a ladyfriend but lust after men, the quality of whom mostly inspire endless shame.
Most of the time, I try not to think about all this...stuff. I live my life (which is pretty busy these days) and have put this Big Question on the back burner for the time being. And on the lusty nights.... stash my vibrator where I can find it when I get home from work.
The most relevant thing to update about is my relationship with my husband. In September, we had a conversation that started out like so many had in the past: the difference in our sex drives. But through a simple statement my husband made, this conversation led me to a major, mind blowing revelation- my husband is basically asexual. Looking back over the history of this blog now, this conclusion seems obvious. Clearly it was something I was in denial about. My husband and I had been together for almost six years at the time this conversation occurred. The idea behind being in a relationship is to have someone who knows and is known be you intimately. I feel that I must have been trying pretty hard with some part of myself to have not know this about him.
There have turned out to be two sides to this revelation. On the one hand, it was a giant relief to be able to attribute our relationship problems to something other than a vauge, unknown flaw in myself. In this situation, putting a label on my husband was hugely helpful in letting me look at out relationship differently. I've stopped asking him for sex I know he isn't interested in. If he does initiate something, I gratefully participate and try not to ask for more than is offered.
But....
I probably would not have chosen to marry and start a family with someone who is oriented so very differently from myself. But here we, very much a family unit, which cannot be dismantled without also leaving all three of us (four counting the dog) the poorer for it. As time has gone on, I have started thinking about this with more and more sentiment in the equation. The time we get to spend as a family, and seeing my son develop and become more and more an actual person, makes me very determined to keep our family together.
So here is my difficulty: If I cannot piece together a satisfying sex life between the sex I have with myself and the once-a-month sex I have with my husband, someone else needs to be involved. Many times, my husband has said he doesn't mind if I sleep with women. In the past I found this mildly annoying, as if he felt my feelings for women weren't legit, that they posed no threat to our relationship, unlike other men. I've since adopted the opinion that this is an evolution thing, protecting his genetic material and all that. It was a lot of over thinking over nothing, since I've always been faithful, with only casual glances at women and virtual blindness when it came to men. However, since that fateful late-night conversation in September, my eyes and mind rarely leave the gutter. I develop new crushes fortnightly, on people dramatically ineligible but inevitably in close proximity to me (read: coworkers). It's a problem. I inch closer to finding a ladyfriend but lust after men, the quality of whom mostly inspire endless shame.
Most of the time, I try not to think about all this...stuff. I live my life (which is pretty busy these days) and have put this Big Question on the back burner for the time being. And on the lusty nights.... stash my vibrator where I can find it when I get home from work.
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