This has been an emotionally crazy couple of days. Yesterday I made a chicken pot pie from scratch- puff pastry, chicken stock, everything. The wonder and the strife of creation. Then, right before we were supposed to go out, my fiance and I had a fight about something trivial and stupid. Committed relationships are not majestic perfect things.
We went out. We chanced upon someone I thought was my enemy, who I have a great deal of history with. Between my state of mind and the number of drinks I had (not to mention curiosity and lonliness and maybe I was stupid to let her go in the first place) we're going to give it another go.
Today I worked my shift, hungover and sleep deprived. I mulled over the choice I've made and the general epic-ness of the preceding evening.
I came home, angst'd. Watched "The Kids Are All Right". Had an epiphany. I dismiss my melodrama by saying that I've watched too many movies, and in the movies things are black and white. Yet here was this movie, telling me all I need to know about life. There is no black and white. People are fucking complicated. Just because he doesn't listen the first time, it doesn't mean he's not the one. Just because she's flawed, it doesn't mean you should throw away the most fiery friendship.
Human relationships can take a lifetime to master.
I went into my bedroom and made myself ejaculate. Not orgasm. But it was the first breakthrough of any kind in months and I'm elated. My outlook has done a 180 since Friday morning.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
ai me, I am neglectful.
I thought I had found the perfect solution to cunnilingus, but it was for naught. It worked once though.
I was honest, imagine that.
I said I didn't want to be having sex where we did everything except what make me feel like I might come.
So then he went down on me. But then the next time we had sex, he wouldn't. I was baffled.
I finally masturbated this morning. Its disturbing how little motivation I have for that anymore. Although with winter break, my fiance has been around the house a lot more. I look forward to the several days a week that he goes to school before me in the coming semester. I don't know exactly why I feel so weird about doing it with him in the house.
I am really looking forward to this, my last semester of college. Its possible that I'll just be spending $60 on textbooks, which is basically a miracle. Goodbye, $150 psych texts I can't sell back! I shan't miss you =)
I thought I had found the perfect solution to cunnilingus, but it was for naught. It worked once though.
I was honest, imagine that.
I said I didn't want to be having sex where we did everything except what make me feel like I might come.
So then he went down on me. But then the next time we had sex, he wouldn't. I was baffled.
I finally masturbated this morning. Its disturbing how little motivation I have for that anymore. Although with winter break, my fiance has been around the house a lot more. I look forward to the several days a week that he goes to school before me in the coming semester. I don't know exactly why I feel so weird about doing it with him in the house.
I am really looking forward to this, my last semester of college. Its possible that I'll just be spending $60 on textbooks, which is basically a miracle. Goodbye, $150 psych texts I can't sell back! I shan't miss you =)
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