Woah, guys.

So I just had to write about my first experience with my new toy, the Lelo Bob. I still intend to write a whole post about my feelings about and experiences with anal, and I will do that soon, but today I just want to tell you about this single experience. First of all, I had been intending to get a toy that was made expressly for anal play, since all I've used in the past has been.. improvised for that use. And in the end, the Bob is actually intended for men, since, after all, they're the ones with prostates and all that. Whatevs, I do me. Ha, that's kind of a play on words.
Anywho, as is my norm when incorporating anal, I kept the plug in while I masturbated as usual with a vibrator. I guess the only difference is I tried to engage in a little.. foreplay with myself. But when I came, I came... not hard... deep? I came deep. Tears came to my eyes, I was happy to be alive, I thanked God for my ability to orgasm. It was fucking transcendent. I was left not only satisfied, but ecstatic.
I'm not sure what my next experiences with this toy will be like, but I really look forward to finding out!

Quite simply, an update

Oof... it seems like eons since I wrote last... a lot has happened. I finally had the conversation I'd been putting off with my husband... and it did not go well. There were tears and desperate promises, on both sides, and then four days of really nice make-up sex right before Valentines day. I was so happy. Then I came down off my oxytocin high and realized it wasn't going to be that easy, this wasn't what real life was like. It's going to take hard work to make my marriage work.
We have decided to go to counseling. The hardest part of that will probably be the financial aspect. Psychologists are not cheap. Also finding someone to watch our son while we go... Also my husband's discomfort with the idea of seeing a psychologist, that they might recognize something horrible in him he didn't know was there. All the same, he's agreed to going, pretty freely. We're basically out of other options.
Now that I've gotten over my disillusioned funk, I do feel better than before we started talking. We've been really trying to be nice to one another and that's...nice.
So, that's what's new with me. The things my close friends, and you total strangers, know, but not my family or coworkers or customers....
Going to the sex toy store tomorrow :)

Nightbrain

Over the past several months, I've noticed a strange phenomenon while I'm at work. Scenarios, and sexy fantasies, that seem plainly ludicrous in the daytime seem rather plausible at night. Moreover, they also sound like good ideas. One such recurring idea is The Mother's Daytime Orgy Club. Bring your young kids along to a gathering at another lady's house, and get freaky while members of the group take turns providing childcare in another part of the home. Genius at 2 a.m. Horrifying in the light of day.
Other candidates for Worst Idea Ever are my formally mentioned inappropriate coworker crushes and the requisite accompanying fantasies. It feels almost compulsive, as though anyone who is in close proximity to me, and is the slightest bit eligible as a sexual partner, will eventually star in one of these fantasies.
Week after week I've experienced the frolickings of my imagination during my workday (workevening?) only to be sobered and concerned when I remember these thoughts the next day. What is it about the nighttime that brings this out in me? Is it just the act of being removed from my family responsibilities while I'm at work? It's a topic of some worry, as these passing thoughts grow ever more firmly rooted in my mind. Asexual or not, I should really not cheat on my husband. Or put myself in a position to lose my job. No sex is good enough to justify these risks.

Semi-relevant

Today, when my husband got home from work, I all but threw our son at him and ran for the hills. The sun was shinning, the mountain was out, and I performed my traditional "sick of winter" premature wearing of Chacos. I went to Starbucks with a book and it was the nicest, and only, hour I'd had by myself in a long time. A few weeks ago, when the novelty of all the web traffic 'round here wore off, I got really depressed for a few days. It was halfway through a six day work week, and I was sick of taking care of other people every minute of the day. It felt like every moment I took for myself, even just to pee, was a moment stolen from my husband, stolen from time I should be giving my attention and love to my son, stolen from time I should be asleep. The dog and the baby can't say thanks, and I feel like my husband just doesn't care if there's appropriate dinner food in the house or clean dishes or clothes. I could just stop doing things, but then I would feel crazy and he wouldn't care. On top of this, I just wanted to be touched kindly. Not a requisite-kiss-on-the-way-out-the-door, not tiny fingers up the nose. Someone putting out energy to make me feel good, not even in a sexual way. So I cried my way home from work. And sat in the car crying some more. And then I got over it. I probably grew a little more bitter deep down inside, but I stood back up and went about my life.
I do feel like I'm going to great lengths to avoid having a follow-up conversation with my husband. Continuing to be his wife, staying together, is a big concession on my part- he is getting everything out of the relationship that he wants and needs, and quite simply, I am not. I feel cheated. But we haven't talked about it since that night in September.
And so my love life has stayed the same. I have work crushes. They're awful. I masturbate. It gets the job done. Need to go vibrator shopping though.... We have sex about once a month. Which is still often enough that I can have pregnancy scares.... My period was two days late last weekend, and I went through about twenty four hours of panic waiting for it. As per usual I bought a test and took it hours before my period came. My husband did not notice the test in the trash, or the box in the shopping bag, or later, in the recycling. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing in the corner, screaming, and everyone pretends not to notice. Ugh. Melodramatic much?
In other news, this: http://jezebel.com/uh-what-the-hell-is-a-third-level-orgasm-1502107036 Yay, relevant! I don't have much to say about this, except that I've definitely experienced the orgasms that don't feel like a full release. They make me feel a little ungrateful- any orgasm is great, right? -but it does feel unmistakably different from one in which every part of me turns to mush.
So, food for thought. I should really be in bed....

A welcome and a tutorial

Hello! I've been warned I might have some visitors headed my way. This is the account of my journey of... sexual discovery? To read from the beginning, go to 2010, then September, then the bottom of the page. Scroll up to go forward in time. On each subsequent page, scroll to the bottom and proceed the same way . Sorry about that! Blogspot is not super accommodating to readers of an archive.
And, yes, as I know you'll soon figure out, I was one of Dr. Doe's clients. She's an awesome therapist! I hope you enjoy reading about my journey, and that you find my experiences enlightening, interesting, or at the very least, entertaining. If so, please come back soon. I'll be posting more often in the coming weeks, because although I haven't written in some time, my journey is not at an end. Now though, I'm off to work! Bye!

An Update-y Update

It seems logical to, first and foremost, report on what I've been up to since I dropped off the face of the earth. As planned, my husband and I moved in July of 2012. In April 2013 we welcomed a baby boy into the world. I'm still working retail, but have gained some perspective about my management job after a year as an underpaid clerk. My ambitions have changed as a result of my motherhood- No, I don't want to be a housewife now! While I was pregnant I discovered the world of midwifery, which has continued to fascinate me even though it no longer has direct relevance in my daily life.
The most relevant thing to update about is my relationship with my husband. In September, we had a conversation that started out like so many had in the past: the difference in our sex drives. But through a simple statement my husband made, this conversation led me to a major, mind blowing revelation- my husband is basically asexual. Looking back over the history of this blog now, this conclusion seems obvious. Clearly it was something I was in denial about. My husband and I had been together for almost six years at the time this conversation occurred. The idea behind being in a relationship is to have someone who knows and is known be you intimately. I feel that I must have been trying pretty hard with some part of myself to have not know this about him.
There have turned out to be two sides to this revelation. On the one hand, it was a giant relief to be able to attribute our relationship problems to something other than a vauge, unknown flaw in myself. In this situation, putting a label on my husband was hugely helpful in letting me look at out relationship differently. I've stopped asking him for sex I know he isn't interested in. If he does initiate something, I gratefully participate and try not to ask for more than is offered.
But....
I probably would not have chosen to marry and start a family with someone who is oriented so very differently from myself. But here we, very much a family unit, which cannot be dismantled without also leaving all three of us (four counting the dog) the poorer for it. As time has gone on, I have started thinking about this with more and more sentiment in the equation. The time we get to spend as a family, and seeing my son develop and become more and more an actual person, makes me very determined to keep our family together.
So here is my difficulty: If I cannot piece together a satisfying sex life between the sex I have with myself and the once-a-month sex I have with my husband, someone else needs to be involved. Many times, my husband has said he doesn't mind if I sleep with women. In the past I found this mildly annoying, as if he felt my feelings for women weren't legit, that they posed no threat to our relationship, unlike other men. I've since adopted the opinion that this is an evolution thing, protecting his genetic material and all that. It was a lot of over thinking over nothing, since I've always been faithful, with only casual glances at women and virtual blindness when it came to men. However, since that fateful late-night conversation in September, my eyes and mind rarely leave the gutter. I develop new crushes fortnightly, on people dramatically ineligible but inevitably in close proximity to me (read: coworkers). It's a problem. I inch closer to finding a ladyfriend but lust after men, the quality of whom mostly inspire endless shame.
Most of the time, I try not to think about all this...stuff. I live my life (which is pretty busy these days) and have put this Big Question on the back burner for the time being. And on the lusty nights.... stash my vibrator where I can find it when I get home from work.

Milestones even life can't get in the way of

Getting caught up with life like I do, I remembered my orgasm anniversary, which was the 28th, a half hour after it was over. It was not, as some might imagine, a day spent in orgasmic celebration, but a day spent at work, and then attending my husband's senior dinner. But that's okay. Tonight, after sex, my husband brought me to orgasm himself for the first time. It's true, he used a vibrator, but it was a real milestone nonetheless. It felt so strange to let my orgasm be controlled by someone else. I gave my fair share of direction in the beginning, and oh so desperately wanted to take over myself, but he got it. I was so happy. Although my future is still uncertain, as far as employment, where I will live, etc, I am very excited and hopeful about where I will take my sexual health in the next year.